I'm supposed to be...

... rocking my baby to sleep.  Instead I have empty arms.  It's almost been an entire year since Mike and I have started trying to have another baby.  I've had three miscarriages since then.  If I didn't miscarry our first pregnancy, we would have a newborn due next week.  It's amazing how fast nine months goes by.  I got through the first miscarriage by telling myself that I would definitely be pregnant again by this time... that I wouldn't have to go through this due date without the comfort of having a baby growing inside of me. Since then I've lost two more... which adds two more due dates to get through. I tell everyone that I'm OK, and I even believe it myself, until days like today hit me like a mack truck. I have a great life... I should be happy with that... and I am, but I still want more.  I still want another baby. October is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month.  How fitting, right? For me, though, it's only serving to bring that buried pain to the surface and remind me of what I don't have. I'm starting to feel like we'll never have another baby. I'm not ready to give up hope and adjust my thinking along those lines yet, but it's only a matter of time. The fertility meds and procedures make me crazy, literally, and I (and my husband, who has to deal with me) can only handle so much. So if you're the praying kind, pray for peace in my heart today... and if you're not, send me some positive thoughts. <3


  1. Nicole, I feel your words so deeply, I could have written them myself last month. I still long for my baby, but the bad days are getting further apart again... I am praying for you!

  2. I soooo wish you didn't have to feel this kind of pain. Hugs.