Here are some highlights from the second half of 2013:
Here are some highlights from the second half of 2013:
This post is dated incorrectly and I can't fix it. Today's date is July 24, 2013.
Have you ever been so down about something that it becomes physically hard to breathe? There is an actual physical ache in your chest, your stomach is upset and the pressure is becoming unbearable. I never knew what people meant when they said that.... until today when there was only one line on the pregnancy test. Two years later and I should be used to that by now, right? Except that this was the cycle where we really gave it our all... hundreds of dollars, giving myself shots and pills and other medications, dealing with horrible side effects that would hopefully be worth it, an iui procedure... our numbers were perfect and our chances were doubled with the release of two follicles instead of the normal one. The doctor said "see you soon with that positive test!" This was it. This had to be it. We agreed to go all in this cycle and if it failed... accept defeat. I was dreaming of twins, our daughter was dreaming of a sister, my husband probably secretly hoping for a son. I knew that we wouldn't be "safe" until I saw a heartbeat up on that screen, after three early losses I was prepared for that. I wasn't prepared for complete and utter failure. A negative test after going through hell and doing everything you can do when according to countless tests there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU ANYWAY is a special kind of pain. The worst part is that I don't know how to let it go. It's in my soul and with me 24 hours a day. As long as hope flickers, I can't let it go, but I need to move on so that I can be wholly myself again. Writing has always been a great release for me, so hopefully putting some of my feelings down here will help me let go of them. I'm already breathing just a little easier.
Mom: You are everything that a daughter could possibly want in a mother. You build me up, make me laugh, and have instilled in me a self confidence and strength that can only come from being raised with the knowledge that I am loved no matter what. I adore you.
Mom H: I couldn't have imagined a better mother-in-law. You are always there for me, sharing my challenges and struggles, supporting us no matter what. I am so thankful to be able to share in your humor, love, and generous heart.
Erica: I have seen such a change in you over this past year. I'm proud of the strength and maturity that you're showing and so glad to have you in my life (and right next door). I'm looking forward to warmer weather and nights spent outside talking while the kids play.
Kristy: I always enjoy our time spent together and so appreciate and love your caring, kind heart. You are a patient and wonderful mom, thoughtful and giving and I am blessed to know you.
Margo: Your advice and commiseration during these past (and present) challenging times in my life has been so appreciated and so needed. I love having you in the family and knowing that someone "gets it".
All of my aunts and grandmothers (Patricia, Doris, Pat, Donna, Colleen, April, Robin, Sandy): You have all been there for me in different ways through the years... whether it was respecting and talking to me as a real person when I was a child, listening to me complain as a teenager, lending an ear as an adult, or reading between the lines and lending a hand when I never even asked... you helped shape who I am. I have ALWAYS known how lucky I was to have you in my life. You have cracked me up, wiped away my tears, put me in my place when I needed a reality check, and been generous to a fault. Not everyone is lucky enough to have even one woman, outside of their mother, in their life they can count on no matter what... I have/had 8.
Michelle: I don't get to see or talk to you nearly as much as I want to these days... but you'll always be my best friend. I am so proud of the mother that you've become and so impressed with the balance that you seem to have in your life. I have your back, always, as I know that you have mine.
Maryanne: I never dreamed that someone who was pretty much my complete opposite would come to mean so much to me. Our shared (admittedly weird) sense of humor and your compassion, generosity, and strong personality have shown me that it's never too late in life to make a best friend. Xoxo
Kim, Karen, Jenn, Amelia, Christine, Lynda: I love you ladies! Having you to chat with, joke with and whine together on a daily basis makes coming to work that much more bearable. Some of us have worked together for years now and some are new to the mix... but I think that with our very diverse personalities we all bring a little something special to the group and I'm so thankful for every one of you.
Ashley and Meghan: When I signed Abby up for dance classes, I was nervous about the "dance moms" that I would be surrounding myself with... and then I met you two. I was at ease with you guys immediately and our girls also fell into step as buddies right away. Aside from our weekly hour together, it was nice having you both at Abby's birthday party and I am so grateful to know you were keeping an eye out for Abby while I was at the hospital a few weeks ago. Now that we're entering the new world of Tee ball as well, I'm looking forward to getting to know Ashley even better!
Online friends: My mommy group(s), Christian friends, and friends of friends that I've met along the way... I've written about you ladies before and you KNOW that you're my saving grace on some days, but I couldn't write a post about the amazing women in my life without including all of you again. Our lives have become so intertwined through the years that sometimes I feel like you all live right next door to me (and often wish that you did!).
Thank you, God, for blessing me and allowing me to share my journey with all of these amazing women.