6.26.2013

Hard to Breathe

This post is dated incorrectly and I can't fix it. Today's date is July 24, 2013.

Have you ever been so down about something that it becomes physically hard to breathe? There is an actual physical ache in your chest, your stomach is upset and the pressure is becoming unbearable. I never knew what people meant when they said that.... until today when there was only one line on the pregnancy test.  Two years later and I should be used to that by now, right? Except that this was the cycle where we really gave it our all... hundreds of dollars, giving myself shots and pills and other medications, dealing with horrible side effects that would hopefully be worth it, an iui procedure... our numbers were perfect and our chances were doubled with the release of two follicles instead of the normal one. The doctor said "see you soon with that positive test!"  This was it. This had to be it. We agreed to go all in this cycle and if it failed... accept defeat. I was dreaming of twins, our daughter was dreaming of a sister, my husband probably secretly hoping for a son. I knew that we wouldn't be "safe" until I saw a heartbeat up on that screen, after three early losses I was prepared for that. I wasn't prepared for complete and utter failure. A negative test after going through hell and doing everything you can do when according to countless tests there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU ANYWAY is a special kind of pain. The worst part is that I don't know how to let it go. It's in my soul and with me 24 hours a day. As long as hope flickers, I can't let it go, but I need to move on so that I can be wholly myself again. Writing has always been a great release for me, so hopefully putting some of my feelings down here will help me let go of them. I'm already breathing just a little easier.

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